I Remember (after Joe Brainard)

I remember eating Little Caesars pizza with my brother while watching the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. I would eat the crust first to “save the best for last”. Then, I would strip away the cheese before folding the base like a taco. The cheese was placed back into the pizza taco after I had shredded it with my sauce-covered hands. 

I remember my first boyfriend.  

I remember walking into my preschool class with a white faux fur coat. I made a big entrance. Feeling the best I have ever felt. 

I remember my first kiss. I told him it wasn’t my first kiss because I was ashamed of never being wanted. I was only 14. 

I remember biting into a freshly scooped ice cream cone and why I never did that again. 

I remember my first time. I was about to turn 15, it hurt a lot, and he wouldn’t stop. We continued until we heard his mom was about to arrive home. I quickly left to avoid being caught. 

I remember playing the violin. The stiff strings left marks on my fingers. I was anxious before my first concert and gratified afterwards. 

I remember when he broke up with me two months later. I cried a lot. 

I remember singing along to Starstruck on the Disney Channel with my Hannah Montana guitar. I laughed so hard that I never thought anything could ever make me sad again. 

I remember when we got back together. He apologized, and I forgave. 

I remember watching as Alex forgave Mason as a child. They lived happily ever after. 

I remember we were making out in his room when he pushed my head down. I hated it, but I thought it was something I had to do. I didn’t even want to be there in the first place. He promised me his mom knew I was there that time. His mom came home and saw me. She got in my face and practically yelled at me. “What are you doing here? I should call your mom!” I hurriedly buttoned up my school uniform shirt. I left sad, scared, and humiliated. 

I remember reading Dork Diaries in elementary school. I swore that I would never feel the shame the main character felt. 

I remember only going to his grandpa’s house after that because his grandpa was “chill.” His mom stopped by and caught me again. She looked as disgusted by my presence as I felt under her discontented gaze. I ran out of the building and walked to my grandma’s house. As I walked, I saw one of my teachers with her husband and her baby. They said “hello,” eyes gleaming and smiles never faltering. I walked past with my own faltering smile. Then I slipped on an icy patch on the sidewalk and cried the rest of the way home. Sad, scared, and humiliated. Again. 

I remember going to the salon with my grandma. Some days we’ll go to McDonald's afterwards. An orange juice and chicken nuggets. On other days, we’ll buy something from the café next door. Toasted bread with Swiss cheese or a ham and cheese sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and ketchup. 

I remember he broke up with me again two months later. Again. I cried even more. 

I remember sitting at a cafeteria table with my friends on pizza day. We would wishfully discuss our crushes. 

I remember getting back with him for a third time after I watched him date other girls. He even went out with two of my friends.  

I remembered how Alex and Mason broke up before finding their happy ending. 

I remember taking a pregnancy test in my first year of high school. I went to the 2nd floor, where six graders had classes, so that I wouldn't be bothered. I remember hearing their laughs and innocent joy out in the hallways from inside the bathroom as I watched the test turn negative. 

I remember getting my first period in sixth grade during my science class. In the 2nd-floor bathroom, I thought I was dying when a high schooler offered me a pad. My school had both middle and high school in the same building. 

I remember the sadness I felt when the quarantine split us apart in my sophomore year. 

I remember crying on my last day of elementary school, thinking I would never see my friends again. 

I remembered when we went out again after the quarantine ended in my junior year. 

I remember when I finally stopped needing my mom to take me to school. She let me take the bus by myself only if I made sure to text her when I got to school. 

I remembered the first day of senior year when he wasn’t around anymore. 

I remembered the first day of freshman year when I had so many dreams.